Okay, grooming routines that make you instantly more attractive are legit the cheat code I wish someone slapped me with at 19. I’m sitting here in my crappy Airbnb in Austin right now—ceiling fan rattling like it’s about to die, Whataburger cup sweating on the nightstand, November Texas air doing that weird humid-but-cold thing—and I just caught my reflection and thought “damn, I actually look…breedable?” Wild.
The Grooming Routines I Swear By When I’m Feeling Like a 4/10 Gremlin
Look, I’m not a 10. I’m barely a strong 6 on a good lighting day, but these little grooming routines? They bump me into “yeah I’d hit that” territory fast.
The 4-Minute Shower Hack That Changed Everything
I used to shower like a raccoon—30 seconds of water, Irish Spring violence, out. Then I started doing this stupid thing:
- Cold rinse at the end for exactly 45 seconds (balls retreat into my body, but my skin thanks me)
- Cheap Korean exfoliating towel thingy I got off Amazon for $7—feels like sandpaper but my backne disappeared in two weeks
- CeraVe hydrating cleanser because some Reddit doctor said so and now I’m brainwashed
My skin went from “taco meat texture” to “kinda smooth???” and girls started touching my forearm unprompted. Weird flex but okay.
The Cologne Trick That Makes Girls Lean In (Tested on 12 Dates)
I’m poor, so Creed Aventus isn’t happening. But I discovered Armaf Club de Nuit Intense Man smells 94% like it for $35. Here’s the chaotic method that works:
- One spray on each wrist, rub together like a psychopath (I know we’re not supposed to but whatever)
- One spray on the back of my neck so when she hugs me goodbye she gets hit with it
- One tiny spray on my shirt collar—lasts through sweaty Texas nights
Last week at a bar in Rainey Street this girl literally buried her face in my neck and went “what IS that?” I felt like a war criminal deploying chemical weapons but hey, we made out in her car so.
Grooming Routines I Do Hungover That Still Work
Real talk—I’m 32, my liver is filing for divorce. But even when I wake up tasting last night’s tequila, I force myself to do these or I look like death warmed up:
- Ice roller on my face while I chug cold brew (reduces the “just cried” puffiness)
- Trim nose hairs because last month one was so long it tickled my lip and I almost threw up
- The Ordinary niacinamide serum because my face gets red as hell when I drink
- Beard oil that smells like cedar so I don’t smell like bar floor
The Most Embarrassing Grooming Routine That Actually Works
Okay don’t laugh (you will). I manscape…everything. Everything. Started during quarantine when I was bored and now I can’t stop. The first time I did it I nicked my balls so bad I had to put a Frozen band-aid down there. Worth it though—girls react like I just showed them a magic trick when the pants come off. I use a Philips OneBlade now because I’m not trying to bleed out in an Airbnb again.
The One Grooming Routine Everyone Skips But Shouldn’t
Teeth whitening strips. Bro. I did the Crest 1-Hour Express ones before a wedding last month and my smile went from “heavy coffee drinker” to “guy who definitely has a podcast.” People kept asking if I got veneers. I almost lied and said yes.
Anyway, these are my chaotic grooming routines that make you instantly more attractive—or at least make me feel less like a trash goblin. They’re not perfect, half of them I learned from TikTok teens, and I still forget to moisturize my neck sometimes so I have that weird line situation. But they work. Like, stupid well.
Try one this week. Just one. Then send me a DM when some random person at the gas station tells you that you smell amazing. Happens to me way too often now and I’m not emotionally equipped for it.
