Anti-aging secrets are basically the only reason I didn’t delete every mirror in my Kansas City apartment last month. Like, I’m staring at my laptop right now—3:17 a.m., leftover Pad Thai congealing on the desk, dog snoring on my robe—and my forehead looks… softer? Less “road map to bad decisions”? Yeah, we’re doing this.
Anti-Aging Secrets #1: Cold Spoon Eye De-Puff (Yes, From My Freezer Burn)
I keep two teaspoons in the freezer next to the vodka, because adulting. Woke up after a Tinder date that ended with me stress-eating Flamin’ Hot Cheetos—eyes puffy like I’d been crying over a Hallmark movie (I wasn’t, but close). Pressed those icy spoons under my eyes for 45 seconds while doom-scrolling X. Poof—instant younger. The metal smell, the sting, the way my dog judged me… all part of the ritual. Pro tip: wipe the frost first or you’ll stick.
Anti-Aging Secrets #2: Avocado Smash Selfie Lighting Hack
Midwest winter light is trash—makes me look like a tired potato. So I mash half an avocado, smear it on my phone screen, and use the green glow as a DIY ring light. Sounds insane, works. The time my mom FaceTimed mid-smash and thought I was having a stroke? Mortifying. But the diffused light erases my elevens. Bonus: lick the screen later for healthy fats. (Kidding. Mostly.)
Anti-Aging Secrets #3: The “I Overslept” Topknot + Vaseline Combo
Dry shampoo + topknot = instant face-lift, fight me. Then I glob Vaseline on my cheekbones because highlighters are $38 and I’m cheap. Last week at Target, a teen asked if I was “that TikTok mom.” I’m 42. Vaseline: 3 bucks. Ego boost: priceless. Warning—do NOT hug anyone; you’ll leave snail trails.
Why This Anti-Aging Secret Almost Backfired
Vaseline + Kansas humidity = shiny disco ball. Learned the hard way when my reflection in the Chipotle window scared a child.
Anti-Aging Secrets #4: Mouth Taping (I Looked Like a Serial Killer)
Read on Huberman Lab that mouth breathing ages your face. Bought the fancy silk tape, slapped it on. Woke up at 2 a.m. ripping it off, convinced I was suffocating. But… jawline sharper after a week? Science is weird. My dog now sleeps on the other side of the bed—thinks I’m unhinged.
Anti-Aging Secrets #5: The 10-Second Smile Hold
Grimace in the mirror for 10 seconds—releases face tension, allegedly. I do it in my 2006 Corolla at red lights. The guy in the next lane once gave me a thumbs-up; thought I was flirting. Nope, just fighting nasolabial folds. Works better than Botox (so far).
Anti-Aging Secrets #6: Sleep on a Silk Pillowcase (Stolen From My Ex)
He left it when he moved out. I kept it out of spite. Turns out silk reduces creases—my “pillow tattoos” on my cheek are gone. Petty theft = anti-aging secret. Who knew?
Anti-Aging Secrets #7: The “Delete the Close-Ups” Rule
Brutal honesty: I just… zoom out. No more 0.5x selfies. Distance is youth. Also, I unfollow every filtered 22-year-old on Insta. Mental glow-up > actual glow-up.
The One Anti-Aging Secret I Still Screw Up
Hydration. I chug coffee like it’s my job, then wonder why I look like a deflated balloon. Currently have a sticky note on my monitor: “WATER, DUMMY.” It’s not working.
Look, these anti-aging secrets aren’t glamorous. They’re born from 3 a.m. panic, bad dates, and a fear of becoming my mother’s neck (love you, Mom). But they made me look younger instantly—enough that the barista didn’t card me for wine. Progress.
Try one. Screenshot your before/after. Tag me on X—I’ll repost the chaotic ones. And if you wake up with a spoon stuck to your face… welcome to the club.
