Simple anti-aging habits are literally saving my face right now and I’m not even kidding. I’m sitting here in my sweaty Michigan apartment at—checks phone—okay, 2:53 a.m., because the dog barked at nothing and now I’m wide awake staring at the new little creases by my eyes like they personally offended me. Anyway, these are the dumb, cheap, ridiculously simple anti-aging habits that actually keep my youthful appearance from completely imploding.
Why My Simple Anti-Aging Habits Are a Hot Mess (But Work)
Look, I’m 36 going on 137 some days. Last week I caught my reflection in a Target security mirror and audibly gasped—ma’am, who gave you permission? So I panicked and went full chaotic goblin mode on my skincare. Turns out the simplest anti-aging habits are the ones I can do while half-asleep or hungover from one (1) White Claw. No $300 serums, no LED masks, just me smearing random kitchen stuff on my face like a raccoon who discovered TikTok.
The “I Forgot to Eat Dinner” Simple Anti-Aging Habit That Slaps
Okay, real talk: I drink a disgusting green smoothie every morning that tastes like lawn clippings and regret. Spinach, frozen banana, almond milk, and a scoop of collagen I stole from my mom’s cabinet. I started this because I read somewhere it’s a simple anti-aging habit for collagen production and I was like “bet.” Three months in and my nasolabial folds aren’t winning any awards anymore. Also I’m regular now, which is apparently part of the youthful appearance package? Who knew poop schedules were skincare.
- Chug it while scrolling X in bed (multitasking queen)
- Accidentally spill it on my white sheets every single time (adds character)
- Once used oat milk that was two weeks expired and still looked 29 so like… science?
My Dumb Sleep Hack That’s Basically Free Anti-Aging
I sleep on my back now like a Victorian corpse because face-planting into pillows was giving me permanent forehead tramlines. Yeah, I wake up with sheet marks deep enough to hide loose change, but whatever. Simple anti-aging habits include not letting your face marinate in its own drool for eight hours. I also freeze spoons and drag them across my puffy morning face while crying about mortgage rates. The bags under my eyes have filed a complaint.
The Avocado Thing I Swear Isn’t Just for Instagram
Remember that cracked mirror photo? That’s me at 2 a.m. smashing avocado straight onto my face because I saw some influencer do it in 2017 and never emotionally recovered. I leave it on while doom-scrolling property taxes in my city (highly recommend for pore-tightening adrenaline). Wash it off with the $3 Cetaphil I buy in bulk at Costco and suddenly my skin looks like I drink water instead of Diet Dr Pepper and spite.
Sunscreen Lies I Tell Myself Daily
I own 47 bottles of sunscreen and use exactly zero of them correctly. My simple anti-aging habit is keeping a stick of Supergoop in my car door and swiping it on at red lights like a feral raccoon with a deadline. Yes, I have windshield tan lines. Yes, my left arm is significantly more youthful than my right. Symmetry is for quitters.
The One Where I Accidentally Fixed My Neck
Turns out gua sha is just a fancy word for “rub a rock on your face when you’re bored.” I do it while watching Love Is Blind reunions and somehow my neck looks less like a turkey wattle. Simple anti-aging habits include lying to yourself that reality TV counts as self-care.
Stuff I Tried That Made Me Look Older (Don’t Do These)
- That viral “vampire facial” DIY kit from TikTok Shop—ended up looking like I lost a fight with a cheese grater
- Sleeping in sheet masks (woke up looking like a melted Barbie)
- Rice water toner that fermented in my fridge and smelled like feet
Anyway, Here’s What Actually Keeps My Youthful Appearance Alive
- Water? Sometimes. Usually it’s iced coffee but we’re trying
- Not picking my face when stressed (failure rate: 89%)
- Laughing at my own reflection because aging is hilarious actually
- Retinol every third night because consistency is a myth
Look, these simple anti-aging habits won’t make you 22 again (rude), but they’ll make 36 look like “oh she takes care of herself… ish.” I’m still a disaster who stress-eats gas station taquitos at midnight, but my skin? She’s holding on for dear life and honestly, respect.
Try one of these chaotic simple anti-aging habits this week and report back. Or don’t. I’m not your mom. Actually screenshot your attempt and tag me on X because I need validation that I’m not the only gremlin doing spoon facials at 3 a.m.
(References for the fancy people:
- Collagen smoothie science: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8824545/
- Sleep position wrinkles are real: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28774179/
- Sunscreen or die: https://www.aad.org/public/everyday-care/sun-protection)
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bed with a frozen pea bag on my face because bags under eyes are just built-in cold compresses, right? Youthful appearance loading… 12%
