Weekend grooming routines are literally the only reason I don’t scare small children on Monday mornings, swear to God.
Weekend Grooming Routines: I’m sitting here in my stupidly sunny apartment in Austin right now – just moved here from Brooklyn like three months ago and still not used to this Texas light blasting through the blinds at 9 a.m. on a Saturday like it’s personally offended by my existence. Anyway, yesterday I caught my reflection in the microwave door and almost dropped my cold pizza. Bro. The beard was entering wizard territory, my skin looked like I’d been face-down in Barton Springs for three days straight, and don’t even get me started on the eyebrows. One of them was trying to secede from the union.
So yeah, weekend grooming routines ? Non-negotiable for my mental health at this point.
Why My Weekend Grooming Routine Is 90% Damage Control
Look, Monday through Friday I’m doing the bare minimum – splash water, slap on some moisturizer with SPF because skin cancer is real, maybe run clippers over the neck if I have a Zoom. But come Saturday morning, after I’ve had my first iced oat milk coffee and scrolled TikTok until my brain hurts, I drag my ass to the bathroom and actually try.
It’s never perfect. Half the time I start strong and then get distracted by a Reddit thread and end up with one leg shaved and the other looking like a 1970s tennis player. True story from last month. My girlfriend walked in, took one look, and just went “…babe.”
The Actual Weekend Grooming Routine I Swear By (When I Remember)
Here’s the chaotic step-by-step that somehow works for me:
- Wake up whenever my body betrays me – usually around 9:30 because I’m weak
- Chug water while staring blankly at the fridge (hydration starts the glow-up, allegedly)
- Hot shower but make it 20 minutes because weekends are for wasting water guilt-free
- Exfoliate my face with whatever scrub I stole from my ex (currently The Ordinary salicylic acid one – burns so good)
- Shave but only the neck and cheeks because full shave on Saturday feels aggressive. I keep the stubble. It’s my brand now.
- Trim the beard with the guard off because I’m a chaotic neutral (then immediately regret it and spend 20 minutes trying to even it out – classic)
- Eyebrows. Just… please. Use the little scissors. Don’t be me in 2022 with the unibrow era.
- Moisturize like my life depends on it – currently obsessed with Weleda Skin Food because it smells like rich Italian grandmas
- Hair? Dry shampoo and prayer. If I’m feeling fancy, a little sea salt spray so I look like I surf (I do not surf, I live in Texas now)
The Sunday Night Weekend Grooming Routine Mini Reset
Sunday evenings I do the panic version because Monday is coming like a freight train.
Quick mask (Aztec clay mixed with apple cider vinegar – smells like death but my pores disappear), clip nails (I bite them when anxious, don’t @ me), and – this is embarrassing – I actually floss. Like properly. Because nothing ruins a fresh look like spinach in your teeth on Tuesday.
Also I started doing this thing where I put on a playlist that slaps (right now it’s a lot of The Backseat Lovers and old The Strokes) and light a random candle I bought at Target. Makes the whole weekend grooming routine feel less like a chore and more like… self-care? God, I hate that word, but whatever.
Mistakes I Keep Making So You Don’t Have To
- Trimming beard after two beers = war crimes
- Trying to “shape” my own hairline with clippers (2019 called, it was a hate crime)
- Falling asleep with a face mask on and waking up looking like a Snapchat filter gone wrong
- Thinking “natural oils” meant I could skip moisturizer for a week (spoiler: I turned into a lizard)
Anyway. That’s my weekend grooming routine in all its messy, slightly pathetic glory. It’s not influencer-level, it’s not perfect, but every Monday someone at work tells me I look “weirdly put together” and I know the chaos worked.
What’s your weekend ritual that keeps you from descending into gremlin mode? Drop it below, I need new ideas before I accidentally buzz my entire head again.
